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Home Funny People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

, February 26, 2016

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-Ellen DeGeneres

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Night comes to the desert all at once, as if someone turned off the light.

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Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend.

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It’s to paint directly on the canvas without any funny business, as it were, and I use almost pure turpentine to start with, adding oil as I go along until the medium becomes pure oil. I use as little oil as I can possibly help, and that’s my method.

It’s to paint directly on the canvas without any funny business, as it were, and I use almost pure turpentine to start with, adding oil as I go along until the medium becomes pure oil. I use as little oil as I can possibly help, and that’s my method.

He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.

He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.

There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

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