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Home Funny If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

, March 3, 2016

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-Clint Eastwood

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

It’s not common for a woman on television, especially if she’s the mom of the family, to be funny. She’s usually a straight man or foil.

It’s not common for a woman on television, especially if she’s the mom of the family, to be funny. She’s usually a straight man or foil.

I own and operate a ferocious ego.

I own and operate a ferocious ego.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

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