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Home Funny I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

, March 3, 2016

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-Mitch Hedberg

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If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.

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It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

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You know the funny thing, I don’t get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than i get along with the rich people.

You know the funny thing, I don’t get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than i get along with the rich people.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it’s just wonderful.

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it’s just wonderful.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

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