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Home Funny A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

, March 3, 2016

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-Jerry Seinfeld

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Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.

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Let’s have some new cliches.

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Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.

If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.

It’s not common for a woman on television, especially if she’s the mom of the family, to be funny. She’s usually a straight man or foil.

It’s not common for a woman on television, especially if she’s the mom of the family, to be funny. She’s usually a straight man or foil.

Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

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