Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they’re home. I’m that way at Saks.
-Caroline Rhea
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Funny
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
-Howard Nemerov
One man’s folly is another man’s wife.
-Helen Rowland
Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
-Jerry Lewis
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
-Marilyn vos Savant
What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.
-Christopher Fry
Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
-Wilson Mizner
Communism is like one big phone company.
-Lenny Bruce
If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
-Robin Williams
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
-Lucille Ball
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
-Demetri Martin
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
-David Lee Roth
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
-Christopher Plummer
I read part of it all the way through.
-Samuel Goldwyn
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
-James Joyce
As for our majority… one is enough.
-Benjamin Disraeli