I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
-Bob Hope
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Funny
I saw a stationery store move.
-Jay London
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
-Laurence J. Peter
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
-Josh Billings
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
-Wilson Mizner
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
-George Burns
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
-Spike Milligan
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
-Erma Bombeck
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-Abraham Lincoln
I rant, therefore I am.
-Dennis Miller
I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
-Paula Poundstone
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
-Logan Pearsall Smith
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
-Mitch Hedberg