The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
-Dave Barry
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Funny
So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?
-Christina Aguilera
Never have more children than you have car windows.
-Erma Bombeck
If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.
-Marcelene Cox
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
-Fran Lebowitz
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
-George Carlin
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
-Alfred Hitchcock
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
-George Carlin
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
-P. G. Wodehouse
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
-Rodney Dangerfield
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
-George Jean Nathan
Every dogma has its day.
-Anthony Burgess
I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
-Mickey Rooney
Never put a sock in a toaster.
-Eddie Izzard